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FRESH
YARN PRESENTS:
Take
It From Me, A Four-Time Emmy Nominee
By George McGrath
PAGE
TWO
The previously mentioned Doris Roberts was amazing to watch. Nobody
ever wanted anything more than Doris wanted that statue. She was
on the aisle. She wasn't chatting or waving. She wasn't browsing
her program. She was sitting like she was in the front car of a
roller coaster slowly approaching its first killer drop -- hands
clenched, chin up, lips tight, squinting slightly and staring straight
ahead. It was clear Miss Doris Roberts had been Megan Mullalley'd
for the last time. She willed that win, and it was fun to watch.
One
year I sat two rows behind Brett Butler as she enjoyed her last
nomination. The waves of anger she emitted were visible. She was
rows behind the other nominees, and on the side. Not a good sign.
(Of course, I was two rows behind her.) She snorted and shifted
in her seat. And, strangely, she had an empty seat on either side
of her. I guess she stabbed and killed her seat fillers. I said
"guess." But, I mean, where were they? The biggest night
of the year for seat fillers and they're just gone?
- Pre-show
and during commercials, there are always celebrities elaborately
mouthing conversation with another celebrity seated a row or two
away. It's fun to read their lips. You see a lot of "Oh,
I'll never get it" and "keep your fingers crossed."
- Smoke
'em if you got 'em. Let the seat fillers scatter. You need your
tar. And the smoking crowd that gathers on the plaza is, as you
would probably guess, populated by the really cool people. And
one or two really scary looking, leathery, tar-stained harbingers
of death, of course. The most fun I ever had on the plaza was
enjoying a delicious Parliament with Lisa Kudrow minutes after
she won her Emmy.
Okay,
The Show Is Over. Do I Just Go Home Now or What?
And
miss the Governor's Ball? Who do you think you are? James Brolin?
- Okay,
hopefully you still have that envelope with all your stuff in
it (don't get gravy on your ticket so you can make a bundle selling
it on EBay).
- You
have an assigned table. Find it. If you are so far into the room
that you are near the band, take a minute to figure out how you
will get out of there if there's a fire. I don't give that advice
a lot, but I know that it has taken me fifteen minutes to make
my way back to the front door (tar!) with no one screaming "fire"
and stampeding past me. I can only imagine what a nightmare it
would be if the kids from That 70's Show panicked.
- You
will have your food served to you. It is pretty. Eat it. Hope
your group is large enough to fill a table and preclude a combo
table - you don't want to find yourself sitting next to somebody
from VH1.
The
Only Famous People Still Here are The Shield -- Now What?
What
is wrong with you? For a nominee, you're so needy.
- If
there is a memento (some glass thing you will treasure in its
original box in some drawer of mementos), sometimes they give
it away on your way out. Look for some pretty Academy interns
sitting at a long crappy table with stuff on it. For gods sake,
take it. Courteney Cox got a million dollars worth of really good
electronic and lotion-related crap, you should at least get your
ornament.
- Did
I warn you to park in a lot if possible and avoid the valet? Oops.
Get ready for a really insanely long wait for your car. I'm sorry.
I should have warned you. But I was so worried you'd get drunk
in the lobby I guess I forgot…
Okay,
I've Read Enough. Please Shut the Fuck Up.
Now
there's the winning spirit! Enjoy your nomination. Have fun! Be
fancy! Save the Variety with your agency's full page "We
Congratulate our Nominees" ad! I hope you win. I will join
you in 2007 and 2008. And again in 2017 -- I will be the drunk old
guy with the gullet riding my free Rascal Scooter down the red carpet
pretending it's not whether you win or lose, bla bla bla.
One
last comforting thought for the non-winners. No matter what happens
the rest of your life, even if you are hit by a car tomorrow, your
obituary in the Hollywood Reporter will begin with the phrase
"Emmy-nominee Your Name Here…" Not bad. Not bad at
all.
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