By Tania Katan
breathe." Wai Lana says as she arches back, almost touching
the soothing waterfall flowing behind her.
fucking love that woman," my father proclaims as he sips from
his 39-cent cup of coffee and lifts a dense, beige buttermilk bar
to his mouth, "I love yoga."
to admit that watching Wai Lana, dressed in traditional Hawaiian
garb, bending and stretching in front of Mt. Fuji or Niagara Falls
is a great way to start the morning. Wai Lana is the Bob Ross of
the television-yoga world -- always calm and leading you to believe
that the Inverted Action Posture is achievable before nine a.m.
don't you do Yoga with me, Tania?" my dad asks in his gruff
New York accent.
you're not doing yoga, you're drinking coffee and eating a doughnut."
doin' yoga, by osmosis," Dad says, proud of himself.
my life my family has mastered the art of Osmosis. We took the idea
of sleeping with a book under our pillows in order to absorb information,
a little too seriously. See, it's not that my family's lazy, it's
just that if given the choice of: a. working hard or b.
not, we pick b. not. Why do yoga when you can watch it? Why
pay your bills when you can pray that they go away? Why write a
spec-script when you can stare at your computer?
I thought that by quitting my day job, moving to LA and proclaiming
that I was, in fact, a Writer, I would automatically get an agent,
a six-figure deal and the life of celebrity and glamour I could
become accustomed to, if given the opportunity. I tried to explain
my vision to the company that holds my car loan, but they had difficulty
sharing my vision. "No,
see I'll pay off the loan, in full, but you've got to give me some
time to get famous. Yes, I'm serious. I live in LA I'm a writer.
I'm gonna make it. Yes, 562 area code is in Long Beach, but I'm
just biding my time at my father's apartment until I make it big.
What? I'm 30 years old. What's so funny?"
the calls from loan and credit card companies became more frequent
and intimidating I had two choices: 1. To finish my Will
and Grace spec script, which I've been working on since I got
here seven months ago -- I only have about 30 more pages to go;
then get an agent, who gets me a job working on a sit-com, before
the end of this month. Or, 2. Follow in the footsteps of
my family and find an easy way out.
ad read, "Monster Car Makeover! We're putting the Real
in Reality!" It went on to say that I could qualify to win
lots of money and a new car if I had a lot of energy and a good
smile. Those were my only assets. I was perfect for Monster Car
Makeover. I mean that's what LA is all about, right? Taking
your talents and turning them into an opportunity. I quickly called
the number under the ad.
I'm calling about Monster Car Makeover!" I said giving
them a preview of all the energy to come.
you sound like you have a lot of energy." The voice on the
other end said.
do. My name is Tania Katan. I'm an aspiring sit-com writer who just
moved to LA."
that's why you have a lot energy." I could tell that she liked
me already. "I'm Ann. So, you wanna be on the show? Okay, have
you seen our show, Extreme Resistance?"
how about Maximum Employment?"
actually I don't watch a lot of TV."
sit-com writer who doesn't watch TV?"
figure I watched enough TV as a kid to really understand the genre."
I'm gonna ask you a few questions to see if you qualify to audition:
Do you own a car?"
would you feel about working in a garage with sexist, sewer mouthed
fucking love it, I'm a nasty whore myself." I was getting into
one final question: Do you have a brother who would be willing to
be your teammate?"
if you have a brother as your teammate, it'll really increase your
chances of getting on the show."
have a twin brother."
That's what we're looking for. I need you guys to send me two videotapes
by 11 a.m. on Wednesday, all right? Great now let me explain the
concept of the show."
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