Clooney Needs a Nap
the past few months Whitney Houston, Jessica Simpson, and Lindsay
Lohan have all been hospitalized for exhaustion and/or dehydration.
I wish their cases were anomalous, but the sad fact is that celebrities
have a long history of collapsing -- mid-interview with Jules Asner
even -- from these dreaded maladies. Martin Lawrence, Janet Jackson,
Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears have all been
taken by ambulance at one time or another to "rest" and
is curious that our beloved celebrities should be so tired and parched
from their day jobs; rarely do you hear of non-icons needing medically
supervised rehydration after a hard day of work. I, myself, cannot
think of a single manual laborer, construction worker, farm hand,
or lifeguard (unless you count Pamela Anderson) that has needed
an IV, even after toiling in the blistering sun for twelve hours.
This says to me that there is something going on that no one is
talking about: the labor conditions in Hollywood are subhuman.
done a good job of raising awareness about the labor conditions
in far away sweatshops, but we've been so focused on making sure
that no five-year-old's hand gets cut off making cardigans for Kathie
Lee that we've turned a blind eye to the exploitative working conditions
right here in the good ol' U.S. of A. Dear, sweet Angelina Jolie
fights for the rights of refugees in third world countries, all
the while ignoring the needs of her fellow thespians who are literally
falling over from lack of water and rest. Ms. Jolie, if you want
to get an idea of the deplorable working conditions in the world
you need look no further than Southern California.
wit: Jessica Simpson was savagely struck down by dehydration while
on tour recently promoting her new movie and butt. Apparently, not
a single member of her entourage -- not her publicist, not her hairdresser,
not her makeup artist, not her manager, not her trainer, not even
her goddamned nutritionist! -- thought to offer her so much as an
Evian while she was hard at work trying to make the world a more
entertaining place in which to live. You would never catch, say,
the Tibetan people denying water to one of their most beloved starlets.
Imagine the Dalai Lama having to cancel one of his promotional tours
because he had no access to liquids. Never happen.
can only imagine the humiliation and despair these public figures
endure when they go back to their trailers after twenty-seven straight
hours in the spotlight to find their faucets disconnected and their
beds replaced with giant hamster wheels. It is a well-known fact
that in between making movies, pauvre George Clooney has
to flee the country for his home on Lake Como in Italy, the only
place he is allowed to nap.
needs to speak out for our celebrities and to address this epidemic
before it spreads to other vulnerable, under-represented members
of our society like fashion models and D.J.'s. We must nip it in
the bud, thereby sending a message to the international community
that this type of exploitation will not be tolerated.
decided to found an organization called the Entertainers Rest and
Rehydration Relief Effort ("To ERR in Hollywood is human, but
to E.R.R.R.E. is divine," the PR materials will read), which
will serve as an outreach to our brothers and sisters in L.A. County.
Our fleet of volunteers will conduct regular, surprise inspections
of movie sets, recording studios, and green rooms to make sure that
water supplies are adequate and that each entertainer has access
to a cot.
the past, stars could always rely on unions to secure the types
of salaries and nudity clauses they needed to live well-compensated,
dignified lives. But clearly the unions have failed to fight for
the basic food, water, shelter, and sleep these celebrities need
to keep themselves out of hospitals.
all of you to wage a letter writing campaign to Melissa Gilbert,
President of the Screen Actors Guild, to insist that the guild negotiate
stricter contracts that will stand up for the basic human rights
of its members. If we don't act now, we risk an entirely new generation
of exhausted, dehydrated celebrities.
probably too late for the Olsen twins. But the fate of Dakota Fanning
is in your hands.
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