realize how this is going to sound and it's not what you think,
but I've recently become obsessed with bowel movements, and not
just my own. A friend of mine mentioned how he'd read this book
called Get It Out! in which the author stipulates that a
healthy person should be "voiding" at least three times
a day. Three times a day. I'm lucky if I go once. And to
be honest, I'm not even sure I could afford the extra down time
for two more a day. I don't know about the rest of you, but I need
to let things
percolate for a while; maybe read a few pages
of a magazine, play with the cat, you know, ease my way into
things. And that takes time. Between my hectic work schedule, my
active social life, my infrequent exercising, and my 4.5 hours of
TV a day, I barely have time to take a shower let alone schedule
in three "voids" a day.
to this book, as humans became more civilized they started going
less. Apparently civilization made us embarrassed about our bodily
functions and as a result we began to "hold it in" leading
to all sorts of common diseases and ailments. The author studied
some barbarian-type people, who, unhindered by propriety, just dropped
a load whenever the mood struck them; be they working in the field,
having dinner with family or sharpening their nose jewelry, whatever.
Out it went. No apologies necessary. And by and large, these people
lived longer, healthier lives than us -- if you didn't factor in
the high incidences of death by animal goring.
any event, the book got me thinking that maybe I should be more
concerned about my regularity issues. The truth is, I have a very
small window of poopertunity in the morning between breakfast and
my shower and if I miss it because I'm rushed or out of coffee or
the phone rings -- I mean if there is any deviation in my
schedule whatsoever -- that's it. I'm stopped up for the day. And
it doesn't just end there. If I miss one day it's not like I can
easily make it up the next. It's like missing a day of work. Your
inbox gets piled high with an extra day's worth of stuff, plus new
things keep coming in and you don't have time to go back and empty
out the old stuff. Your system gets all screwed up. When I miss
a day, it can sometimes take me a week to clear out my "outbox."
traveling is the worst. I can't go in strange bathrooms. I'm too
distracted. Is the door thick enough? How does the lock work? Which
side is the toilet paper holder on? What temperature is the seat
ring? Will it be too obvious if I leave the faucet running? It's
all too much. I avoid going out of town whenever I can. People think
I'm a recluse, anti-social, but in reality I'm just beholden to
wondering if there were others out there like me. Clearly I couldn't
be the only one if our so-called civilized void average was
on the decline. I started asking around. People were a little tight-lipped
at first, but eventually I got them to open up and I was amazed
by my findings. Here's what I discovered: women are perpetually
constipated. Men are not. It's that simple. Sure, there are a few
exceptions to the rule -- the sensitive boyfriend here, the liberal
gal-pal there. But I'm talking maybe a two percent margin of error.
general, I found that men can eat binding foods like bananas and
bread and cheese for days on end and twenty minutes later, ffft!
out it goes. They can go anywhere, anytime. They don't care if it's
the only bathroom in the house and it's right next to the living
room and there's a line of people waiting to get in. They take their
time, stink up the place and swagger out winking and waving an emphatic
hand in front of their noses: Woo! Sorry about that! Might want
to light a match in there.
on the other hand, are much more sensitive to their surroundings.
They can't go if someone is near. They can't go if they think someone
is near. They can't even go if someone might be near in the near
future. One of my girlfriends recently told me she was stopped up
for 14 days because she was staying in close quarters at her in-laws'
house and there was only one bathroom. When she finally went, it
was at a restroom in Wal-mart and she stayed in the stall for over
an hour to make sure no one witnessed her coming out.
of my former co-workers used to use her entire lunch break every
day to drive home so she could go to the bathroom in private. Another
woman described how after seven years, she still gets up in the
middle of the night to do her business whenever her boyfriend stays
over. And in all that time she has never once passed gas in front
of him. Not once, in seven years. Meanwhile I have personally
witnessed her boyfriend making a show of lifting up his leg to punctuate
his incessant flatulations: That's what I'm talking 'bout, (FART)!
it's not like these women are choosing to be this way either. One
of the ladies I interviewed described how she goes out of her way
to eat high fiber foods like beans and prunes when she knows she's
going to be put in a compromising toilet predicament. I try.
I really try. But my body just won't let me go, the woman remarked
suddenly, it dawned on me. This is a major epidemic.
I don't know exactly what I had hoped to gain from my informal research
-- it started out as a simple quest for knowledge. But my findings
really enraged me. It's not fair that women should be so
afflicted and men just don't care. Why should we be penalized
for being nice and conscientious? What's in it for us, except apparently
a lifetime of common diseases and ailments? Well I, for one, have
to be put in this box where I'm not free to express myself, even
if that expression is coming out of my ass. Don't you see, ladies?
This is just another self-inflicted barrier we've placed on ourselves,
so we can appear pure and ladylike. It's all in our minds! We're
eating the same things as men! We're drinking the same water! It
doesn't take a genius to see WE are allowing this to happen! Well,
not me. Not anymore.
on a crusade, and ladies, I dare you to join me. I'm making
it my personal mission to stink up every facility this side of the
Pacific Ocean. And even if I don't have to go, I'll make the noises,
god-dammit! From now on, I'm poopin' loud and I'm poopin' PROUD!
And, whatever it takes, I will GET IT OUT!
version for easy reading
material is copyrighted and cannot be reproduced without permission|