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Looking for Lesbians
By Marcia Wallace

After my beloved husband Denny died, I pretty much went dead from the neck down and my libido went the way of my memory and my attention span. Plus I gained forty pounds, which is not conducive to getting sex in any city. As I've said many times, I would often think of getting married again, but I didn't want to date and I didn't want anybody to see my thighs.

And then suddenly, out of the blue, I felt something. At first I thought I was having a stroke and then I realized it was an actual sexual urge … These urges continued until I was very close to running down the street with my dress over my head (film at 11)… But hey, what's a middle-aged, chubby, out of the loop widow to do???? I was sure about one thing … I was not about to take off my clothes in front of no guy in this town, so I said okay, maybe a woman. Granted I've never been with a woman, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be so self conscious about the way I look and a touch is a touch and what the hell … so fine. But amazingly enough, after 30 years in the show business I knew gay guys galore but only one lesbian and hadn't seen her in a while and felt funny about calling her up and saying "Uh, uh, listen, Hon, I'm looking to make my re-entry into the sensual realm and I thought maybe with a woman … any ideas?"

More and more I continued to think about it, and I thought, "I've got to get touched. I've got to get touched! I cannot be running into the night, screaming, 'Touch me, touch me, hold me, hold me!'"

I was in Dallas giving a speech and I made plans to have dinner with my old friend Larry Randolph. People I had talked to about this lesbian idea either thought I was kidding or were shocked, and these were guys who had been with goats. What were they shocked about, for heaven's sake? I was just talking about a little human contact. But Larry was more open-minded. So I told him and he said, "Hmmmm." I said, "Larry you know lesbians?" He said, "Well, yes I do. But you didn't give me enough notice here. However, I have a lesbian neighbor; she often sits out on her stoop. Let's go see if she's there."

It was like "Ricky and Lucy Look for Lesbians." His neighbor wasn't on her stoop, so I said, "What about a bar?" I never even went to straight bars; I don't know from bars. But he said, "I don't know; I think I know where there's a lesbian bar." So we went to look for it, and it was now a place to get your nails done.

Finally we found one. Well, please, it was just hilarious. We went inside and there were three little lesbianettes. They were so young. They looked at me and said, "Oh my god, it's Mrs. Krabappel!"

We made a quick exit and circled Larry's apartment a few times hoping to spot the lesbian on the stoop, and she wasn't there. So I figured, this is clearly not supposed to happen.

Then I went home and thought, "I'm a woman with a mission. I've got to get touched." So I asked my friend Bryan to come over--he's also a big talker about his lesbian friends. Well, he couldn't think of any either. And I said, "You're not leaving this house until you get me a lesbian." So I brought out the champagne and said, "Now, get on that phone."

He said, "What am I supposed to tell them?"

I said, "You tell them you have a friend who's a widow, who's looking to make a re-entry into the sexual realm, and feels that she could trust and feel more comfortable with a woman. This is not a change in lifestyle, this is an adventure." Well, please, now it's Ricky and Lucy and Ethel.

Eventually, it became clear that nobody was interested, nobody knew any, or they couldn't get them on the phone, or they weren't on any stoop, and I thought, "Well, I guess this is just not for me."

So since I couldn't make this happen for myself, and since I still wasn't ready to take off my clothes in front of a man, I decided to do the next most sensible thing: I decided to collect Beanie Babies. I'm sure so many women have had to face that difficult choice: "Hmmmm, let me see, what'll it be? Lesbian sex or Beanie Babies?"

So, I of course - never being a woman of moderation - went right out and bought hundreds of Beanie Babies, even bought furniture for them. It was pathetic. My friends told me, "Hon, we're gonna have to do an intervention."

There you have it: "The Return of the Libido." Aren't you glad you asked?

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