Hope We Can Be Friends
no circumstances should you Shave Your Face In The Kitchen Sink
And Then Leave The Little Hairs And Chunks Of Shaving Cream Just
Floating There, in the basin with your Week-Old Dirty Dishes. I
don't care if you think that the "light isn't good in the bathroom."
It's just unsanitary. And, also, you should not leave your dishes
in the sink for a week. Wait. Let me say that again: You should
not leave My Dishes That You Are Eating Off Of in the sink for a
Week. We both know you don't own any dishes. You only own a sleeping
it Really Uncomfortable when I come home from work and you are Having
Sex On The Sofa In The Living Room and even though you see I am
home, and you clearly see that I notice that you are Having Sex
On The Sofa In The Living Room, you don't stop Having Sex On The
Sofa In The Living Room, you just continue to Have Sex, right there
in the Middle Of The Living Room, On The Sofa. That makes me Really
Uncomfortable. Especially when I am trying to watch Friends.
have a lot of Drag-Queen Friends that you meet in the Clubs that
you like to hang out in, and when they come to my apartment to visit
you and then they Raid My Closet and Wear My Very Expensive Vintage
Dresses Without Asking and never put anything back on a hanger,
I find this all really annoying, too. I like to keep my nice clothes
on a Hanger. And then sometimes, they stay and when I ask, "Who
are you?" they tell me they are a "Friend of Jeff's"
and that you told them the night before that they "Could Stay
A Few Days so that they would have a Place To Crash in Manhattan
so that they don't have to take The Train All The Way Back To Jersey,"
and that is not so cool, either. I guess I should just say that
I Like To Know If There Are Going To Be House Guests ahead of time.
Additional House Guests. I mean other than You.
you come home during the afternoon, and find me Curled Up In The
Fetal Position on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, it really bothers
me when you pretend that I am not there and you step over me to
turn on the TV. I am probably Curled Up In The Fetal Position on
the floor, sobbing uncontrollably because I Sublet My Half Of The
Apartment to Some 38-Year-Old-Man-Who-Walks-Dogs-For-A-Living Over
The Summer And When I Came Back, He Never Left And Seven Months
Have Gone By And He Seems To Have No Intention Of Ever Leaving,
And I Am Just A Huge Doormat, Just Like My Therapist, And All Of
My Friends, And My Mom, And You Have Told Me I Am And Maybe I Am
Just Totally Crazy, But I Really Just Want You To Leave.
the Last And Final Point:
the future, If I give you Notice and tell you that you need to Pack
Up All Your Things And Move Out, I think maybe I am being
Serious. I am not just probably Overreacting To Something That You
Did that was Really Not That Big A Deal In The First Place and I
will get over it in just a couple of hours and time will pass, and
then I will totally forget about it like I Usually Do. Because,
then Something New will happen. Something New always happens, Jeff!
I probably should give you Notice again, Right Now, and tell you
that you Need To Pack Up All Your Things And Move Out, and this
time I will Really Mean It. But, let's face it, we both know that
about two days from now, I will Forget About All Of This, and I
like to Avoid Conflict and instead, I will just continue to Secretly
Seethe And Complain To My Therapist and My Mom and My Co-Workers
and All Of My Friends About You and how Horrible you are and how
I Wish You Would Just Leave, but you Never Do. And then years from
now, when I have finally moved out because I simply Can't Take Living
With You Anymore And Since You Have No Plan To Leave The Apartment
And End Up Staying Here For Over Three Years, I End Up Fleeing New
York For California, Hoping I Never Have To See You Again For The
Rest Of My Life Because You Made It A Living Hell, I will probably
just take all this Angst and turn it into Something Creative, like
an Essay and I will get this all Off My Chest and it will be Cathartic
and Everything will be A-Okay!
in the end, I really hope we can be Friends. I am working really
hard on cultivating new friendships.
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