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Warnings and Disclaimers
By J.B. Rabin

The following essay, hereafter referred to as "The Essay," is for entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed therein are those of the author, and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Fresh Yarn, its parent company, or any of its subsidiaries or employees.

The Essay provides information, commentary, or wit on an "as-is" basis, and makes no warranties regarding the information, commentary, or wit provided and disclaims liability for damages resulting from its use. Any resemblance to actual information, commentary, or wit is purely coincidental. The Essay can neither be exchanged nor returned for store credit. All sales final.

"You," henceforth to be known as "The User," refers to the individual or entity enjoying The Essay for entertainment purposes only and who, by doing so, implicitly consents to all of the afore- and below-mentioned terms.

The Essay is authorized for private use only. You may read The Essay quietly to yourself, but if you plan to read it aloud, you will need a note from the author. Any copying, translation, musical arrangement, dramatization, fictionalization, abridgment, condensation, motion picture version, transformation into a school play, sound recording, art reproduction, video game or other form is considered an unauthorized use of The Essay, except in the cases when express written permission has been granted by the copyright owner. For the avoidance of doubt, where the derivative work is a musical composition or sound recording of The Essay, its synchronization in timed-relation with a moving image, even if the moving image is of Matthew McConaughey, will be considered an unauthorized usage of The Essay. All other rights reserved.

Reading The Essay while operating heavy machinery -- such as a forklift, back hoe, steam roller, chop saw, etc. -- or while driving a motor vehicle may lead to personal injury, especially if the motor vehicle is a Hummer. Going swimming within one hour of reading The Essay is not advised and any injury or death that befalls The User as a result of such an activity is The User's sole responsibility, even if The User is dead. Use of The Essay before bed or while under the influence of certain pharmaceuticals that rhyme with "Nambien" or "Manax" could have synergistic soporific effects and may lead to personal injury. Excessive reading of The Essay may result in eyestrain or paper cuts and, thus, protective covering should be worn at all times. Not doing so may result in personal injury or death. In the case of Essay-induced ennui, discontinue use of The Essay immediately.

Do not use The Essay on unexplained calf pain.

The Essay is part of a balanced breakfast. Using The Essay in conjunction with high caloric and/or sugary foods may lead to diabetes or obesity -- The User is warned to do so at his or her own personal risk. The Essay is not affiliated with, nor does it promote The South Beach Diet, The Zone Diet, The Atkins Diet, The eDiet, The Low Carb Diet, whatever Suzanne Somers is shilling, or any other diet that suggests that the way to health is anything other than getting off your lazy ass occasionally and eating some vegetables.

The Essay is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or provide medical advice for any medical condition. If you have a medical concern, please consult your medical provider. The Essay has not been approved by the FDA.

The Essay is not to be construed as a political, religious, spiritual, economic, historical, moral, or sociological comment, or as a comment on any political, religious, spiritual, economic, historical, moral or sociological comment. Any personal edification, inspiration, dissatisfaction, ambivalence, ebullience, torpor, enlightenment, curiosity, disbelief, or amelioration experienced by The User as a result of reading The Essay is unintentional and should be disregarded.

No animals were harmed in the making of The Essay. Essay only good while supplies last. Void where prohibited.

While care has been taken to ensure that the information contained in The Essay is accurate, it is of a general nature and is not intended to be legal advice. The Author, Editor and Publisher will not be responsible for any loss suffered by any person that is directly or indirectly attributable to the reliance on the information contained in The Essay. The Essay is not your mother and, thus, cannot be blamed for any shortcomings in your life. Read and live at your own risk.


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