watched the whole thing from outside myself, too shocked to believe
it was actually happening. Holy steaming crap! Someone hated me
enough to put their HANDS on me! Where the hell did that come from?
We were awkward and unsteady and sweating. She curled over me screaming
and yelling and shouting every time I tried to speak and hey . .
. hey, no. Oh, I'd been here. I'd been here before and I didn't
like it one bit. Screw you, Daddy, I'm a big girl now!
Brutus an elbow to the throat and her screaming stopped and she
gasped for breath and felt for the ground. And the cops sprang into
action. Most of the time, the cops stick to their cruiser, amused
that they're pulling easy overtime for refereeing squabbles between
God freaks and crunchy, feisty college girls. But when something
nasty happens they're on it, rolling their eyes with jaded impatience,
"Ladies, ladies, come on now." We didn't see Brutus for
a while, but soon enough, she was back. She never touched me again,
though. She remembered just when to stop.
we escort this woman and her boyfriend, who introduces himself as
Luis. I can tell Luis hurts about this; he keeps blinking his eyes
hard and biting his lip. Occasionally he touches his girlfriend
on the shoulder and says, "Monica, are you sure? We can work
it out, my ma will help. Are you sure? Baby, please . . ."
shrugs her shoulder away from his touch and clicks her tongue and
I can imagine how it happened, because I've been there myself. The
party went beyond control and there's a cock-rock soundtrack playing
in the background and she's so drunk she can't feel his lips, there's
just this general warmth in front of her face and he's in, he's
out whatever. And the morning after pill isn't an option because
she doesn't know about it. Monica makes a point of walking six spaces
ahead, we have to hustle to keep up. There's nothing between them,
she knows that. But Luis doesn't. He's already fallen in love with
the fact that someone might wear his face, and he keeps keening,
"Baby, baby," something sweet to wet her taste for him.
all that heart-wrenching, mind-bending stuff going on between them.
Then the protesters notice Luis is Latino and automatically assume
he is Catholic, which in this case is true. The Catholic contingent
steps to the front and guilts Luis up but good, questioning his
loyalty to his faith, mocking his manhood, "Don't let her do
this to your baby." Luis is maybe seventeen, but he's already
got the mandatory facial hair and his Virgin Mary tattoo expands
and contracts in anger and he swears no one will tell him he is
not a man, and he starts to yell at them, "You don't know me,
you don't know me." And I grab him and tell him it's not worth
it, we know he's a man. Which is true. After all, he's here; he
showed up. No detached car ride from Luis, no dropping off and driving
away. Points for Luis, he stayed and stepped up to the plate. And
he's looking at her, looking at his hands, looking at her and looking
down, stunned to discover that he has reached the point in this
thing where there is simply nothing more a man can say.
I leave Luis in the waiting room I go outside for a smoke and I
see Henny Penny worrying her rosary beads on the sidelines, and
it occurs to me that she's a nun. She's not in any kind of habit
but her crucifix is pretty industrial and her sandals have these
hand-tooled leather crosses on them, which suggests that she either
has a quirky fashion sense or she's working for the firm. I can
tell she's spent some energy praying on this; she's been on her
knees so much the skin has darkened and toughened, I can imagine
it, her shifting from shin to shin to relieve the pain. And before
I know it, she slips across legally mandated boundaries, touches
me lightly on the arm and RESPECTFULLY (which sounds so strange
to me because we've long since lost the ability to speak to one
another about this with respect), she respectfully SUGGESTS (which
also sounds odd because my ears have become so accustomed to threat),
she respectfully suggests "Dear, think about the potential."
well, that's it, isn't it? That's why this hurts so damn much. What
at one point might just be a clump of cells, will become so much
more nine months later. It's option versus potential here, both
wonderful things that must be sacrificed to one another. And I think
of what a horrible business this is and how much I hate it. I hate
it. I mean, this is not a nice thing, this is not a pleasant thing.
Who truly wants this? Who would advocate this? Clean steel instruments
and sickening gas and clinic staff speaking in the royal "we."
No one wants that. And for a moment it seems that the line of protest
is not so far away at all.
ultimately, what carries me back is the fact that I am a woman of
option. When you're a woman, every waking moment is full of potential,
but option is a window that closes slowly: time, then no time, then
all the time you never wanted. So many women move through this world
alone. My job is to keep the options open for these women until
they choose. That's as far as I'm willing to go. Beyond that, I
will not be moved.
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